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Tell me a senior story

By Jane Bokun

Old age tales are rarely true, and I see them all the time. In fact, you might say they are as normalized as the Paul Bunyon story. I may be the only one who didn’t think about retirement in my 20s, but I bet I’m not:

Here’s one: “I’m 63 years old, have $800K in savings and I was all set to retire in four months — but now I’ve just got a fantastic new job offer. Should I take it or stick to my plan?”

Answer: Shut up. Not only do you have some money, but people are also clamoring to hire you? Ugh! Next, you’re going to say you miraculously have no wrinkles on your derriere. Or, your husband’s sex drive is over the top and he NEVER looks at porn because you’re so hot.

You know you don’t have to ask if you can live on $800,000 or $2 million like I so often see.

“I have $25 million. Do you think I can live on it for five more years until I probably die?” Sure, nutcase. You can live on that.

How about the truth? I saved $300,000 and now it’s dwindling because I can hardly remember my name and my old engineer husband, is unemployed and has been tapped out of the system. Sure, we lived it up until about 55 years old, then it was hellish if not hell.

In my current old age, I wonder where the previous woman was in her 20s. Was she dazzling in a $1 million job with no husband while she listened to the latest song from Tears for Fears? Did she date pre-Bill Gates and he left her a bunch of money because she might need it when she turned 63?

We spent most of our money when we were young or needed to pay for high-end schools for a sophisticated kid who will certainly be embarrassed if we become homeless in front of his tony apartment building. My husband drives a small, colorful auto parts car a few times a week and we pray the sale of our kind of nice home will be enough to get us by until our suicide pact kicks in.

According to a recent Northwestern Mutual survey posted by MSN, Americans think it takes $1.46 million to retire securely. But the savings data above reveals that most people don’t have anywhere close to $1.46 million by the time they reach retirement age. The reality is that the amount of savings it takes to retire comfortably depends on your needs and age.

Sure, my needs include a Fiat Spider sportscar, but that’s like $30,000, a mere pittance in the retirement game.

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Who will win The Golden Bachelor?

Willing to put your money where your mouth is?

By Jane Bokun

This is a spoiler alert for the end of ABC’s The Golden Bachelor and by the time this article is over, I’m going to make a prediction on the winning bachelorette.

Doing this is just like when I go to a casino and practice psychic betting. I watch each shiny slot machine carefully, then I look for a tell like there’s a cherry in the previous line. That’s it. That’s the one. Weirdly enough, I’m almost never wrong. A few weeks ago, I put in what amounted to a quarter on the casino slip and won $720. I’m rich, bitch.      

Now, it’s your turn. Here’s the stats on the two remaining bachelorettes: they are Theresa Nist and Leslie Fhima. You are welcome to make your own predictions.

My favorite, Leslie Fhirma, has been called a sexy dancer and Prince even wrote a song saying that about her. Leslie is from Minneapolis, Minnesota, so she’s midwestern and that’s good. She’s also younger and she most likely had sex with Prince to get that song named after her so she’s plucky. She’s also younger at 64 and has perhaps more stamina.

Theresa Nist is from New Jersey and is 70 years old. She is an investment advisor and a widower like Gerry, giving her an advantage for the final rose. Both are attractive and brunettes like Gerry’s wife which shows Gerry has a type. Theresa wears her heart on her sleeve and Gerry has never once wondered if he likes her only for her looks, so there’s that. It’s close.

Viewers of The Golden Bachelor are still waiting to see who Gerry picks. Will it be Theresa or Leslie? Gerry clearly likes both. Taking all the odds into consideration, I’m picking da da dum, Leslie Fhirma. I saw Gerry making out with her and I’m thinking he’s not only picking a wife with his big head and Leslie is hot. Gerry may end up thinking with the little head.

Email me at janepospybokun@gmail.com to tell me your address and choice. Winners get a $10 gift card from Starbucks. You can use it for coffee, or cash it out and take it to the casinos.

#over50chicagolifestyle, northwest Indiana, over 50, Uncategorized

Get the walk-in bath you deserve

By Jane Bokun

When my father was sick and couldn’t bath as well as before, he wanted a beautiful walk-in tub.

We would see commercial after commercial for these unique walk-in tubs, but we never got around to buying it. That was a lost opportunity because he died shortly after slipping in his old, slippery shower and hitting his head.

It was heartbreaking finding him encased in shattered glass and it didn’t have to be. Now, it’s easy to get walk-in tubs through many vendors.

Now, walk-in bathtubs and showers exceed all ADA standards. The modern shower heads are adjustable and can be raised or lowered on the wall along with a shower bar fixture.

They’re a hit with families like the Morrisons who gave their convenient shower walk-in remodel five stars.

“We’re so happy with our new shower,” says Rick Morrison with a cheeky grin.

For nearly a quarter of a million Americans bathing and showering appears to be particularly dangerous. Overall, about two-thirds of accidental injuries happen in the bathtub or shower — which makes sense, because each can become slippery.

As for the standard walk-in tubs that my father needed, anyone with or without a disability can remain independent longer by taking baths. Best of all, you won’t get burned (double entendre) because there is a digital thermometer mounted on the tub.

#over50chicagolifestyle, over 50, Uncategorized

Looking for a snowy good time? Try Winter Miracles at Door County

By Jane Bokun

Some people may not think Door County, WI. when they think of a winter playground, but they would be dead wrong. In the summer, it’s yachts moored in sparkling blue water and tony restaurants. But in the winter, the cold, blue waters of Lake Michigan turn to magical, ice palaces and places to bring home the day’s catch after ice fishing.  

Indeed, here in one of the coldest winter spaces, there’s time for ice fishing, snowshoeing, cross country skiing, and even fat-tire biking. But Door County is considered the Cape Cod of the Midwest and has it all. It sits on mammoth Lake Michigan, which covers Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana and Illinois.  I am particularly interested in ice fishing because I haven’t done that yet. Luckily, what I notice is you don’t have to be perfect at any one of these sports. Bucolic Door County has a large retiree population and a lot of the people who come to this area to retire, or purchase second homes, like to laugh a lot.

I asked Destination Door County Chief Communications Officer Jon Jarosh, if the tentlike ice huts were heated and he said it was quite comfortable and safe in the cozy huts. Novices like me even find there are plenty of fishing guides to help get the huts ready and help with your fishing expeditions. They bait your fishing poles and then you can catch walleye, northern pike, perch, or brown trout. The area is also becoming known for getting some prime, popular whitefish. I’m familiar with catching fish as a relaxing, Zen hobby as my dad often took my family fishing on Lake Michigan in the summers. After we caught our wriggling fish, we would watch as my dad fileted them while we said, “gross.” My mom then cooked them to a golden brown and our trophies were delicious.

Door County has lots of romantic Bed & Breakfasts and hotels to accommodate newcomers, according to Jarosh. I’ve also done some snowshoeing and cross-country skiing and found I can handle the white snow packed Wisconsin hills with only some deep breathing – and silent praying.

“It’s better than skiing down a mountain,” I tell myself. It may also be more challenging then say, laying out in the sun sipping on a Pina Colada.

After some grunts and groans, it might be time for a spa, I lovingly say to myself.

“I’m trying to live in the moment.”

 In Door County, I choose The Spa at Sacred Grounds. There are a few spas here and it makes me want to stop and visit them all, (I love a fancy area) but I’m on a mission.

The Spa at Sacred Grounds in Door County

Although Wisconsin is thought of as a state known for friendly farmers and the popular Green Bay Packers football team, it can also be glamourous here. Art galleries, specialty pubs, wineries and large homes are no strangers.

Once you get to The Spa at Sacred Grounds, in Door County’s Ephraim, the first thing to notice is the place exudes calm. It’s open all year around. On the grounds there are tall trees and myriad plant life. It feels strange because you want to sit at a comfortable table in the woods and never leave.  It feels otherworldly.  When you’re, like I often am, feeling nothing but problems and anxiety, The Spa at Sacred Grounds is an oasis of therapeutic peace.

Kim Maedke-Shumway, a Door County native, was a customer at the spa for 18 years before she became owner.

 Helping others gave the trim, dark-haired woman a new sense of confidence and she already knew what made people happy. She started out with unique massages, facials and spa treatments. It’s a day spa so there is no hotel backing up the property. Inside the spa, there’s a pristine library and yoga studio where classes are held. There’s a private log cabin where some massages are performed as well.

“I thought if I can do for one person what this spa has done for me, I’d be doing well,” she says with tears in her eyes.

After a day at the spa or shopping in fun stores like Bliss, a luxury co-op made of several clothing and design stores, it’s time to try other winter activities. There are 250 miles of snowmobile trails; candlelight skiing in January and February; sleds and tubing at Peninsula State Park; romantic sleigh rides with Mayberry’s Carriages; Classes such as weaving and philosophy at The Clearing Folk School; and even a fish boil every Friday night at the well-known White Gull Inn.

There also are trolley rides that include specialties like cocktail and ghost tours found at Door County Trolley.

It can be tiring, and some homemade cherry wine might be in order from Lautenbach’s Orchard Country Winery. I love tangy cherries and have tried the wine flights which are delicious. Lautenbach’s, open year around, focuses on all things cherry which is my absolute favorite. Besides wine, you can get cherry strudel, pancakes, drinks and more.

For those who want to try this little-known jewel in winter, it’s easy to get to from airports in Chicago, (about four hours); Milwaukee (about two hours) and Green Bay (about an hour). Rental cars are also easy to procure.

Before this winter excursion, I always thought I was a summer girl, but this trip to winter Door County was life changing. You might want to meet me in Door County for very, very slow candlelight skiing and a generous poor of cherry wine.

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Nuts & Bolts – A Lesser Sign of Aging

By Kathy Bryson, Banana Peel guest columnist

Aging is a funny thing. It sneaks up on you, small and ignorable. You think you need the gym when you get thicker around the middle, but you don’t worry about it because you’ve finally gotten to a point in life where you can afford a gym! Then suddenly you pull a muscle, and two days of ice packs and Advil remind you that you’re not as young as you used to be.

For me, the eye-opener came after a day’s recovery from painting.  That’s when I started to plan home improvement, starting with buying a mesh garden cart to haul heavy things. I found one online and had it delivered. I’ve built IKEA furniture. How hard could it be?

A model of Kathy putting together IKEA furniture. Time, tide and IKEA wait for no man.

I didn’t make it past the 1st step. Whether it was lack of strength or loss of dexterity, I could not screw the nuts on the bolts. I thought, “Oh man, they sent the wrong size” and fired off an email complaint to the online store. But, since I didn’t really want to send everything back, I also called my brother.

My brother is actually improving with age. He’s gone from being a know-it-all to being an invaluable resource.

“Send me a picture,” he said and then explained, “That’s a locking nut. It’s not too small. It has a rubber gasket inside to keep it from coming off.” Then he explained how to use two wrenches to get the thing on.

Well, that was good to know. The fact that the locking nuts have been around since 1931 was a little harder to take. I mean, I have put together a lot of IKEA furniture and have an impressive collection of Allen wrenches to prove it. It should not take me three hours and two phone calls to put together a little cart. But then it occurred to me that I’d moved pass college-age furniture into the adult leagues and felt better – until I realized I owed the online store an apology!

About Kathy Bryson – As the writing tutor and sometimes professor, Kathy Bryson works regularly with students who reminder her not to be an old fart. She’s also an award-winning author of tongue-in-cheek fantasy who appreciates a good joke. You can learn more about her work – academic and ironic – at www.kathybrysonbooks.com